children, divorce, home life, journal

I’m a loser, baby…

I still wear my wedding ring. At this point in time my husband has been gone for 1 year and about 3 weeks.  But I still keep it on.  Not because of my husband, I have 6 kids and I’m by myself.

I inherited this ring from my Aunt.  As long as I have seen it on her finger I have always admired it.  It is delicate, beautiful, and has a vintage charm to it. My Aunt in turn inherited it from my Great Grandmother, my Grandpas Mother, when she passed.  It was my Great Grandmothers wedding ring.  It has a lot of sentimental value to me.  When I see it I think of my Aunt and I think of my Great Grandmother, whom I am partially named after.  I wonder what her life was like as I didn’t get to know her, she died before I was born.  I wonder about all the things this ring has seen.  But those reasons are not what compels me to keep my ring on.

I have 6 kids and I am by myself.  Or rather, I am husband-less.  I do have a lot of family that loves and helps us, especially my Mom.  Though, when I go out in public I don’t feel particularly fond of being judged by others.  Not that I think I am the center of their world, but In the back of my mind being judged is a worry.  I know that I should care less what others think of me, but for some strange reason right now it does bother me. The child support I get every month covers rent and some bills. If I got an outside job I doubt my pay would even cover my day care costs and then someone else would be raising my kids. I have to use food stamps when I go grocery shopping. Mostly, I wonder what the cashier or the people in line behind me think of me with all my children while I use a food benefit card or wic checks.  I wonder if my relatives think I am a freeloader on our government. I see all the negative comments on social media about single moms, or the bumper stickers saying “if you can’t feed ’em don’t breed ’em”.

This is not how I imagined my life would be.  I am trying to make the best of this situation and raise my kids to be healthy and hopefully never land in a similar situation themselves.  I keep telling my kids to be sure to love the person you make babies with.  I tell my sons it is not the noble thing to leave the mother of your children without exhausting every possibility of making that life work (except in the case of abuse, leave immediately!)  Take care of your children and spouses. I feel like once we make the decision to have children our lives cease to become ours. We must live to nurture, love, and take care of them and when they are old enough to care for themselves that is when our wants can come back into focus. Not saying we shouldn’t have a bit of time here and there for ourselves, we all need time to recharge our batteries now and again, but our FOCUS should be these little lives we brought into this world.

There are times when I think of moving my ring to the other hand. And maybe someday I will. But for now, there it stays. Not because of my husband, I have 6 kids and I’m by myself.

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